I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
