I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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