Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
