found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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