SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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