remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
