He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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