i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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