Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
