I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
