we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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