the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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