White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
