I need to stop coming to work sober
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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