I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
