the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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