You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
