dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i think my mom watched the whole time
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She's the barista slut.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
