Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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