i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize