No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
false alarm, still single
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
