They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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