i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
