At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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