So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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