I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
