Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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