My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
