I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
