Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
