dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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