why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
