Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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