Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
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