non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize