Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
