Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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