i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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