So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
