i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I have tasted many bathrooms
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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