i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
