I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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