my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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