My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
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