morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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