If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
