Kiss
Puke
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
