I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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