Im at strip club and am horny
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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