i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize