Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
