Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
