1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
