I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
