Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
