He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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