People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
