wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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