i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
