not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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