She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
