The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
